Your Mind is Your Greatest Opponent

No one ever listened to my ideas or opinions. What was more discouraging was that I genuinely believed I had good ideas and could usually see what needed to be done long before everyone else. But the moment I had to say it out loud, my brain would short-circuit. Whether it was talking to a teacher, speaking during a group project, or even sending a message to a group chat, I would get flustered. As a result, I rarely got my point across and always lived in fear of being undermined by someone who could get their point across. And this frustrated the crap out of me.

After a bit of soul-searching, I diagnosed myself with some form of social anxiety. While my realization did not magically solve my problem, it gave me something to work towards instead of just moping around.

In school, I never raised my hand, ever. Even if I had figured out the answer ten minutes earlier. Because what if that time was the 0.01% I was wrong? This mentality affected my group projects. No one seemed to listen or trust my opinions, and as one of the top students, I was frustrated but felt powerless to point out their mistakes because I would seem like a jackass. Looking back, I can see that my classmates did not trust me because I never gave them a reason to - they never knew what I was capable of. 

My first case competition exposed another problem: I underestimated myself before I had even started. I assumed that everyone else had years of experience, whereas I had none. Therefore I didn’t deserve to be listened to anyways, and shouldn’t have been there in the first place. To fight this mindset, I put on a mask of being outgoing, believing that if I could talk to people, I would prove that I was capable of some things after all. However, looking back, I can see that I was too friendly in such a professional setting. But it was a good start to my quest of fighting social anxiety. My team also listened to me occasionally, which was, to me, already an improvement. Unfortunately, they also made some questionable decisions that I failed to steer them away from, and we did not do as well as I had hoped.

Preparing for university interviews taught me one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned: know your material inside out. For my top two dream schools, I had to write several essays and record one-take interviews, which some of the questions I did not know prior. I was extremely stressed but determined to do the best I could; I spent an entire month talking to myself, doing mock interviews, brain-dumping every possible answer, and reorganizing those brain dumps until my thoughts actually made sense. Unfortunately, I completely blanked on one of the questions in my first application. I did well on the other questions, but I could not help beating myself up for failing myself and seemingly wasting that one month of hard work. When the time came for the second application, I was much more prepared, having gone through the first and knowing what to expect. I did quite well and managed to produce creative and well-organized answers. To my great surprise and pleasure, I ended up getting first round acceptances to both schools. Through this journey, I learned that being prepared gives the brain something solid to fall back to when anxiety inevitably creeps up. Both improvisation and knowledge are equally as important.

Wanting to step out of my comfort zone, I reached out to another incoming student to my program and met them in person. Once again, I underestimated myself, thinking that they were much more worthy of the acceptance than I was. With that mentality, along with wanting to appear mature, polished, and completely put together, I was so focused on creating a good impression that I wasn’t the witty and lively person who deserved the acceptance. Rather, I was an awkward girl who looked like she wanted to leave the room as soon as possible. Reflecting on this experience, I changed my diagnosis of social anxiety to the fear of rejection. Ultimately, I was struggling to socialize properly because I was afraid they would not like me.

When the time came for my second case competition, I was surprisingly excited. This was drastically different from my first competition. I knew what to expect and wanted to meet people who were as high achieving as I was. As a result, I felt like I belonged, and talking to strangers had become exciting instead of terrifying. For once, I was not afraid of being rejected because I knew what I was doing. I was still anxious during the competition itself, but I found the confidence to remind myself that my brain had never failed me academically before. I chose to trust it, and debated my ideas with my teammates without much fear that I was wrong or unclear. I was fortunate to have an incredibly smart team with different strengths, and together we produced an excellent case. I honestly thought we would make the finals, but unfortunately we did not. However, throughout the case preparation with my teammates and the presentation itself, I was energized by the challenge. I learned that if I was doing something I loved, I would forget to fear, and because of that, I would be free to do my best.

I saw my university orientation as another opportunity to battle my fear of rejection. Everyone was starting from scratch anyway, so they would be more open to connecting. While I was nervous, I pushed myself to make as many friends as possible, and to try to play the role of the leader in my new friend groups. Through 24 hours of intense socializing, I learned that I did not have to become besties with everyone I met, nor did I have to be cold and impersonal. I just needed to find the right balance of friendliness and assertiveness, based on the situation.

An ongoing project I have is The Daily Speaking Challenge. Everyday, I go through a few exercises in a list of random interview questions, answering them out loud completely on the spot. For example, the question could be to “Explain cryptocurrency to an 80-year-old without using complicated terms”, and I would have to answer as if I was being interviewed. I aim to organize my answers using frameworks such as STAR and PEA, until they become second nature. Through these exercises, I am learning that speaking became less about finding perfect words and more about trusting myself to think on the spot. However, it has always been hard for me to believe in my capabilities, especially when I am anxious.

I had always considered myself to be an accomplished pianist. I scored 95% on my Level 7 RCM exam and had something close to perfect pitch. But whenever I had a recital, my skills would seemingly disappear; my hands would shake, I would forget how to breathe, and I would even forget entire sections. In other words, I would have bad cases of performance anxiety. All I would think of was that I would mess up, and that took up my whole mind. As I grew to be more experienced, I became less nervous.

I was a part of the band in high school, and we would perform several times a year. I grew to enjoy the anticipation of waiting to perform, and even relish the attention on stage.

I also served as the pianist for my youth worship team. For the first time in my musical career, I was given lead sheets to play on, and not a score. Lead sheets just have the song lyrics and the chords; none of the dynamics or accompaniment was written. They did not even include the melody or what beat each word landed on. For someone who struggled to even think clearly under pressure, having complete freedom was terrifying. Eventually, I learned to trust my ear and play what I felt like in the moment, without overthinking. I learned to let go of the fear that the 0.01% chance of making a mistake would somehow happen. And even if I did play a wrong note, it did not mean I was a failure. I got lost in the music, and even played beautifully most of the time.

I enjoyed improvisation so much that I later planned a summer gig with my friend, who was a trumpetist. I reached out to a senior home, wanting to share our love for music with others, and was given one week’s notice to prepare 15 minutes of music. We practiced a grand total of 3 times within that week, putting together a medley of pop songs. I played almost everything by ear, without a score or even lead sheets. I even composed the transitions between each song by myself. While I was nervous, I did not feel the overwhelming pressure not to mess up this time. I played in the moment, enjoying myself rather than worrying, and I must say, did pretty darn well.

Another strategy for overcoming social anxiety is entrepreneurship. Starting something is terrifying because rejection is almost guaranteed. But the more you get rejected, the less you will fear it. Either you win, or you learn.

My first initiative was creating digital art and publishing it as an NFT on OpenSea. To my disappointment and mild surprise, nothing life-changing happened, and I put my desire to create something new aside.

After a while, I came up with the idea of organizing a one-week day camp for children in the local community. As a paid camp counsellor for two years, I was certain that I would be able to manage a small group of kids for a week. I drafted the logistics and cold-called a few nonprofit organizations, even emailing back and forth. One organization said they were too busy but would reach out later, but they never did. Refusing to accept defeat, I called another community center. The receptionist kept hinting no, until I eventually got the message and gave up.

I relentlessly brainstormed for more ideas, wanting to prove that I would not be rejected for good, and came up with creating a platform to resell commencement tickets for a profit instead of trading them for free. I pitched this idea to one of the smartest classmates I knew, but to my surprise, they immediately shut it down. They told me that there was not really a problem to solve anyways and that it was not worth the effort. I was aghast at the close-minded mentality, as well as hurt by the rejection. I abandoned the idea and even ditched my entrepreneurial journey…that is, until summer.

I launched cailynpun.com, a portfolio highlighting my high school career and hopefully any future accomplishments. I wanted future employers and customers to see my track record. With the website, I posted tutoring advertisements online and started offering piano lessons through mutual connections. Because the responses were taking so long, I decided to apply to existing tutoring companies while waiting. I cold walked into businesses with my resume, asking if they were hiring. I was expecting complete rejections, but surprisingly, two of them wanted interviews, and one even complimented on my achievements on my resume.

What I learned throughout my journey is to not reject yourself before some else even has the chance. I am not saying you should be blindly optimistic; it is definitely important to plan accordingly and be realistic. But opportunities come and go, and either you win, or you learn. Most people do not reject you as a person. Their rejection just means that your idea or skills do not benefit them. Looking back, I conquered my fear of rejection by rewiring my mentality. Instead of assuming everyone is out to judge me, I learned to believe in myself and enjoy the moment. And honestly, not everything is about me; no one cares if I get one question wrong, play a note wrong, or say something slightly out of context. As a perfectionist, this is difficult to accept, but here is the ironic part: the less anxious I am, the better I do something.

For a long time, I thought that confidence was just a synonym of arrogance. However, there is a difference between believing in your abilities and thinking you are better than everyone else. Being confident leaves very little room for anxiety, and that is how you beat the fear of rejection.